Monday, August 30, 2010


I want to strangle patients who:

1. Call after hours for idiotic stuff. See last post.

2. Want me to fill out the "Stop the mean ol' electric company from shutting off my power" when they don't freakin' work! Get off of your lazy ass and job hunt.

3. Use pregnancy as an excuse "I can't work." Honey, I fucking OPERATED the morning I was admitted to the hospital.

4. Go to the ER for "pain" and get their 4th CT scan of the calendar year. Oh, they have no insurance either. And they hospital hop, so no one place knows that she had been scanned last month FOR THE EXACT SAME THING!!!! Gawd, then I get to see her as an "ER follow-up" visit.

5. Bitch that they are in severe pain and can I write for some Lortab? Because you know, she's allergic to Motrin. She got a script for Celebrex. I'll lay good money that there will be a phone call tomorrow...


Thursday, August 26, 2010


Your period coming 5 days early is NOT a reason to call after hours for "emergency" advice.

I. Don't. Care.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Quoteful week.

Lots of good ones this week. Not all from patients (see #1)

1. I had asked for Trendelenberg position from anesthesia, to help in a laparoscopic case. T-berg involves moving the bed such that the head is lower than the feet. Gyns use it to have gravity move bowel out of the pelvis when we're operating. Most CRNAs might give you 2-3 degrees of T-berg, but this one had her nearly doing a handstand.

"Andy, you give good T-berg!...that sounded wrong!"

2. Young patient, in for a birth control refill. I asked if she wanted STD testing. She declined saying she was finally being smart and using condoms. So far, a normal conversation.
"Since it's just us girls here, you know how it is. You have urges and you can't help yourself with them, so you need a man."

3. Another patient : "Why do I get yeast infections only when he goes down on me?"

4. Yet another patient, here for the first time this pregnancy (37 wks along): "I went to the ER because I thought I felt the baby move."

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

How NOT to start your call day

L&D nurse : Doc, I know you're not on call for another ten minutes but...

Me : What do you got?

Nurse : Patient came in labor and ruptured. 7 cm. I gave the kid its first rectal.

Me : I'll be right in. Call anesthesia and the assist.

Monday, August 9, 2010


First, happy anniversary to the awesomest in-laws ever. I am truly lucky to have snuck into your family.

Second, miss you Daddy. 5 years now.

Friday, August 6, 2010

CME today

So I went the CME lecture this morning at the hospital.

The lecturer said "So if there is a hip fracture..."

And immediately the voices in my head went "And I need to fix it!"

I got the giggles in the middle of the lecture.

Monday, August 2, 2010

For Ramona

Had a patient today who was so proud of her plastics surgeon's handiwork, she pulled up her shirt to my nurse while she was getting the vitals.

I'll admit, he did a nice job.